Since last night I couldn't stop thinking: Marilyn would have LOVED Barack Obama.
As a politician, as an idea, and as a man.
Sorry she didn't stay around enough to see this happen, this ideal fulfilled.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
09.20.08 2
what to write about...
Create the page, place the words on the page.
So many thoughts, the white noise of it, rather my mind be empty.
An open field, to play and dance in.
Like Peter Max told me personally -- yes personally, during a college paper interview where we sat in the little lobby of the campus station, his manager off to the side arms folded glancing pointedly at his watch every minute - when you prepare to create, your mind should be an empty bowl. No restrictions, like a dancer who lets himself step anywhere, do anything.
But at the same time, structure is needed -- and here I almost types 'destructure'. Discipline and structure, what I meant?
John Updike admits that when he was starting writing, in college, in high school, he wasn't interested in writing, in fiction, necessarily. He wanted to make a book. The physical object of it. Is this what I want too? To have something to hold out on my hands and show people, prove to people, prove my worth. But then what does this mean, this moment typing? These strings of moments? Are they pearls I lace, when other moments are scattered as dust that very second? I don't know.
Do these moments that leave a slug-trail as words mean more, are worth more, than those moments where nothing is left behind?
Am I looking at moments wrong? Life, Time, like movie frames and not like an outflowing from the Now? Am I trying to capture something that is not capturable? Or does not even exist? The sadness of the little moving box I think I am living in.
Maybe I should just get drunk, like every other guy on the planet on a Saturday...
Create the page, place the words on the page.
So many thoughts, the white noise of it, rather my mind be empty.
An open field, to play and dance in.
Like Peter Max told me personally -- yes personally, during a college paper interview where we sat in the little lobby of the campus station, his manager off to the side arms folded glancing pointedly at his watch every minute - when you prepare to create, your mind should be an empty bowl. No restrictions, like a dancer who lets himself step anywhere, do anything.
But at the same time, structure is needed -- and here I almost types 'destructure'. Discipline and structure, what I meant?
John Updike admits that when he was starting writing, in college, in high school, he wasn't interested in writing, in fiction, necessarily. He wanted to make a book. The physical object of it. Is this what I want too? To have something to hold out on my hands and show people, prove to people, prove my worth. But then what does this mean, this moment typing? These strings of moments? Are they pearls I lace, when other moments are scattered as dust that very second? I don't know.
Do these moments that leave a slug-trail as words mean more, are worth more, than those moments where nothing is left behind?
Am I looking at moments wrong? Life, Time, like movie frames and not like an outflowing from the Now? Am I trying to capture something that is not capturable? Or does not even exist? The sadness of the little moving box I think I am living in.
Maybe I should just get drunk, like every other guy on the planet on a Saturday...
09.20.08
The air is pregnant today, with... something.
Thick.
In a way, maybe holding the threat of autumn oozing brown from its clutching fingers. The mud of somnambulism, gentle rotting, and yes Death.
Fall hangs over my mind like a tree whose leaves are dying, dead, brown, tumbling dry about to bury me.
Thick.
In a way, maybe holding the threat of autumn oozing brown from its clutching fingers. The mud of somnambulism, gentle rotting, and yes Death.
Fall hangs over my mind like a tree whose leaves are dying, dead, brown, tumbling dry about to bury me.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
09.14.08
Went for a bike ride this morning - a warm, actually summer-sticky, Sunday morning, here in mid-September. Around the Delaware Park ring road 3 times, looking at all the beautiful women in their tank tops and bare legs and white ipod wires, walking jogging working to become more beautiful or to keep beautiful; the mothers and fathers biking with their children clustered around them, or pushing strollers; other bikers more serious than me, leaning forward precariously on their racing bikes, in streamlined helmets and their spandex shirts and shorts.
And I wondered, that I am always just watching myself, like my life is an apathetic movie, the moments and thoughts of my life the cells blurring into fake movement as time speeds the reel down to its end.
Shit. I just want to pull the plug on that projector, shout "Fuck This!" into the empty auditorium, jump out of the booth and run down the aisle - "Fuck This! Fuck This!" - and push the doors open and bolt into the sunny daylight.
And I wondered, that I am always just watching myself, like my life is an apathetic movie, the moments and thoughts of my life the cells blurring into fake movement as time speeds the reel down to its end.
Shit. I just want to pull the plug on that projector, shout "Fuck This!" into the empty auditorium, jump out of the booth and run down the aisle - "Fuck This! Fuck This!" - and push the doors open and bolt into the sunny daylight.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Changing how I look
After a 2 hour+ bike ride yesterday afternoon, I looked at myself frontal in the mirror dressed in a black t-shirt and new slim-looking shorts -- and I looked odd, different.
Only after, driving in my van, did I realize why --
I did not look fat.
For the first time in memory, I did not look doughy. Maybe for the first time in my adult life.
Only after, driving in my van, did I realize why --
I did not look fat.
For the first time in memory, I did not look doughy. Maybe for the first time in my adult life.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
I'm just not getting this, Life
Of course, I haven't been on here for a while.
Taking a 6-day weekend (and I still have over 6 weeks vacation and sick time through next June...). And of course, I feel unsatisfied, as I'm just trying to relax. I am terrible at relaxing. Always feel like I should be doing more in my life.
Wish I knew how to go and and get a woman drunk and just use her -- so tired of caring. I just wish I could be a thoughtless man like all the other men on the planet, and just get what I want. But it escapes me. I just feel like the alien
Taking a 6-day weekend (and I still have over 6 weeks vacation and sick time through next June...). And of course, I feel unsatisfied, as I'm just trying to relax. I am terrible at relaxing. Always feel like I should be doing more in my life.
Wish I knew how to go and and get a woman drunk and just use her -- so tired of caring. I just wish I could be a thoughtless man like all the other men on the planet, and just get what I want. But it escapes me. I just feel like the alien
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Life in the online world...
After several months absence from Yahoo IM, P has begun popping up again. After chatting this past week for the first time since Spring, it because obvious to me that it is G/L.
Why doesn't whoever it is just come clean? He or she obviously feels something for me, if he or she will keep communicating with me, after he or she created a storyline that made G drop off from IMing me.
I am torn between just never replying again, to L or P; and wanting the veil to drop.
But even if he or she does come clean -- and I now assume they are a guy, because all three have asked me pointedly if I like men, and acted like they wanted me to say I did when I told them I didn't -- here, online, there is no way to tell if what he or she says is the truth is the truth.
I have been trying to re-orient myself to the real.
Why doesn't whoever it is just come clean? He or she obviously feels something for me, if he or she will keep communicating with me, after he or she created a storyline that made G drop off from IMing me.
I am torn between just never replying again, to L or P; and wanting the veil to drop.
But even if he or she does come clean -- and I now assume they are a guy, because all three have asked me pointedly if I like men, and acted like they wanted me to say I did when I told them I didn't -- here, online, there is no way to tell if what he or she says is the truth is the truth.
I have been trying to re-orient myself to the real.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Quote from French novelist and journalist George Bernanos
"I have thought for a long time now that if, some day, the increasing efficiency for the technique of destruction finally causes our species to disappear from the Earth, it will not be cruelty that will be responsible for our extinction and still less, of course, the indignation the cruelty awakens and the reprisals and vengeance that it brings upon itself...but the docility, the lack of responsibility of the modern man, his base subservient acceptance of every common decree. The horrors which we have seen, the still greater horrors we shall presently see, are not signs that rebels, insubordinate, untameable men are increasing in numbers throughout the world, but rather that there is a constant increase in the number of obedient, docile men."
Saturday, July 26, 2008
My response to a Wall Street Journal op-ed piece comparing the appeal of "The Dark Knight" to George W. Bush
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB121694247343482821.html?mod=opinion_main_commentaries
The appeal of films like "The Dark Knight" (and "300") is simple -- literally: they are simple.
The world they depict is one of simple stark contrasts: good guy vs. bad guy, a moral code vs. anarchy; inner fortitude vs. concupiscent abandon. They are popular with a broad swath of Americans for the same reason that John Wayne, "pro wrestling" and Rush Limbaugh are. And why Christians gravitate toward the cut and dry rules of the Old Testament instead of the subtle self-awareness that Jesus himself preached.
A lot of Americans -- maybe the majority -- like things simple and easy. The worldview the dry-drunk George W. Bush offers ("you are either with us or against us", there is no appeasement with those we label our enemies or even recognition of their human equality to us, the comforting "American Ascendancy" that Rush conjures up) is easier to think about than the more demanding worldview that Barak Obama admits we need to embrace (all other nations and people are no lesser than us, the developing global interconnectedness demands we understand and appreciate the tenuousness of America's position and the real long-range effects of our actions).
"The Dark Knight" and "The Axis of Evil" are like comfort foods. Easily eaten, yes. The wisest choice to properly take care of our lives, no.
The appeal of films like "The Dark Knight" (and "300") is simple -- literally: they are simple.
The world they depict is one of simple stark contrasts: good guy vs. bad guy, a moral code vs. anarchy; inner fortitude vs. concupiscent abandon. They are popular with a broad swath of Americans for the same reason that John Wayne, "pro wrestling" and Rush Limbaugh are. And why Christians gravitate toward the cut and dry rules of the Old Testament instead of the subtle self-awareness that Jesus himself preached.
A lot of Americans -- maybe the majority -- like things simple and easy. The worldview the dry-drunk George W. Bush offers ("you are either with us or against us", there is no appeasement with those we label our enemies or even recognition of their human equality to us, the comforting "American Ascendancy" that Rush conjures up) is easier to think about than the more demanding worldview that Barak Obama admits we need to embrace (all other nations and people are no lesser than us, the developing global interconnectedness demands we understand and appreciate the tenuousness of America's position and the real long-range effects of our actions).
"The Dark Knight" and "The Axis of Evil" are like comfort foods. Easily eaten, yes. The wisest choice to properly take care of our lives, no.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Today is my birthday
Today is my birthday - I think actually a little past noon on Saturday, July 21, 1962. I was two weeks overdue: another day and the doctors were planning to induced labor. (Another argument for "karmic tendencies" -- I didn't even want to leave the womb, lol).
I actually have 3 birthdays: today, July 21; July 24, the anniversary of my traveling to New York City three days after my 20th birthday, where I received my Gohonzon and officially became a Buddhist; and now the anniversary of my quadruple bypass surgery on April 18, 2007.
Anyway, I was just biking home, from my parents' house in which I grew up in Kenmore; I dropped off my new van at my mechanic's near them to do a tune-up (hopefully that is where the misfiring and blinking "Service Engine Soon" light is coming from, and not anything deeper), and had biked over there (I can stow my bike in the back if my new van - standing up!), and they took me to breakfast. Now just waiting for the call from my mechanic that he is done so I can bike back up there.
Anyway anyway --
I am biking down "The Horsepath", that half-road down Kenmore between Wilbur and Military -- now paved, but still closed to cars except for residents pulling in to park in their driveways. I used to bike it all the time, then gravel and old asphalt, when I was in late elementary school and junior high school.
As I was biking down it today, I passed a man trudging along it. A man - chubby and bearded, about 30, already a bit worn from life.
And I thought: "The last time I biked here, you weren't even born..."
Wow! Just crazy, when you think about life, sometimes.
I actually have 3 birthdays: today, July 21; July 24, the anniversary of my traveling to New York City three days after my 20th birthday, where I received my Gohonzon and officially became a Buddhist; and now the anniversary of my quadruple bypass surgery on April 18, 2007.
Anyway, I was just biking home, from my parents' house in which I grew up in Kenmore; I dropped off my new van at my mechanic's near them to do a tune-up (hopefully that is where the misfiring and blinking "Service Engine Soon" light is coming from, and not anything deeper), and had biked over there (I can stow my bike in the back if my new van - standing up!), and they took me to breakfast. Now just waiting for the call from my mechanic that he is done so I can bike back up there.
Anyway anyway --
I am biking down "The Horsepath", that half-road down Kenmore between Wilbur and Military -- now paved, but still closed to cars except for residents pulling in to park in their driveways. I used to bike it all the time, then gravel and old asphalt, when I was in late elementary school and junior high school.
As I was biking down it today, I passed a man trudging along it. A man - chubby and bearded, about 30, already a bit worn from life.
And I thought: "The last time I biked here, you weren't even born..."
Wow! Just crazy, when you think about life, sometimes.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Going shirtless in public
For the first time since my surgery, today I was bold enough to take my shirt off in public, exposing my scars to the healing sun and healthy air.
Soon after I started what turned into a 2-1/2 hour bike ride, I stopped, removed my shirt, and wrapped it securely around the crossbar.
Now, it is extremely rare for me to expose my blobby, gynecomastic, worm-white torso as it is... but now I have this long wide scar, still half-red, striping down my chest -- and not only that, but three irregular clusters of scars belong it, where they thoughtlessly cut me open to insert thick drainage tubes during the surgery.
There was a moment shortly after as I moved on, exposed, where I felt I touched heaven - or perhaps a Buddhist phrase might be felt the Ninth Consciousness. I do not even remember what song was playing on my iPod, but I do remember glancing down at my shadow (my head's shadow irregular from my helmet) as I biked along the Riverwalk.
Even the biking was wonderful!! -- I had just had my bike repaired, and decided to get a full tune-up and new pedals with plastic toe-holders -- it is like riding a whole new bike!! It feels like I get about 40% more effiency. Really!
I was proud to show off my body, my scars. A couple women even gave me wan unsure smiles as I rode by.
And toward the end, a group of teenagers, mixed boys and girls, laughed and squealed after me. I couldn't make out what they were saying (The Go-Go's defiant "Our Lips are Sealed" happened to be shuffled up on my iPod), a couple girls seemed to be yelling "White!" or "Why?!" You know what? I don't give a fuck.
"He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian.'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.'
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day...
...be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day."
When I got home, I weighed myself -- I had lost 3 pounds in dehydration compared to my weight before I ate anything this morning!
And now I am sore, and logey from an hour's nap, and sunburned as my robe rubs my back and shoulders!
It felt so wonderful and liberating -- as liberating as getting a car this week.
Soon after I started what turned into a 2-1/2 hour bike ride, I stopped, removed my shirt, and wrapped it securely around the crossbar.
Now, it is extremely rare for me to expose my blobby, gynecomastic, worm-white torso as it is... but now I have this long wide scar, still half-red, striping down my chest -- and not only that, but three irregular clusters of scars belong it, where they thoughtlessly cut me open to insert thick drainage tubes during the surgery.
There was a moment shortly after as I moved on, exposed, where I felt I touched heaven - or perhaps a Buddhist phrase might be felt the Ninth Consciousness. I do not even remember what song was playing on my iPod, but I do remember glancing down at my shadow (my head's shadow irregular from my helmet) as I biked along the Riverwalk.
Even the biking was wonderful!! -- I had just had my bike repaired, and decided to get a full tune-up and new pedals with plastic toe-holders -- it is like riding a whole new bike!! It feels like I get about 40% more effiency. Really!
I was proud to show off my body, my scars. A couple women even gave me wan unsure smiles as I rode by.
And toward the end, a group of teenagers, mixed boys and girls, laughed and squealed after me. I couldn't make out what they were saying (The Go-Go's defiant "Our Lips are Sealed" happened to be shuffled up on my iPod), a couple girls seemed to be yelling "White!" or "Why?!" You know what? I don't give a fuck.
"He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian.'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.'
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day...
...be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day."
When I got home, I weighed myself -- I had lost 3 pounds in dehydration compared to my weight before I ate anything this morning!
And now I am sore, and logey from an hour's nap, and sunburned as my robe rubs my back and shoulders!
It felt so wonderful and liberating -- as liberating as getting a car this week.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Fortune
Sometimes fortune is spotting a dime on the sidewalk and picking it up. Sometimes fortune is spotting that dime on the sidewalk and saying, "I'm doing so well, I don't need to stoop for a dime."
Monday, June 30, 2008
Depressed
In a two week span:
I go a supervisor at a job where I was literally on my own for the past year;
my car gets an annoying but expensive-to-repair problem -- I bring it to a friend's friend, who not only doesn't fix it, but makes the car basically unusable to me. I scrap my car.
After 7 months of almost daily contact, an "online relationship" (an oxymoron) vanishes, she suddenly stops talking to me and when I see her online and pop online, she goes offline. (It's more complicated than that, with a friend of hers who also PMs and emails me, but they are one and the same -- from details I won't get into here).
My angina has been coming back a little -- but getting better most recently -- when I am biking.
My therapist told me she is leaving, dropped that only at our what turned out to be our final session.
So, yeah, in what is usually my favorite time of year, I'm depressed. I am fighting real depression, aching in my bones depression.
I go a supervisor at a job where I was literally on my own for the past year;
my car gets an annoying but expensive-to-repair problem -- I bring it to a friend's friend, who not only doesn't fix it, but makes the car basically unusable to me. I scrap my car.
After 7 months of almost daily contact, an "online relationship" (an oxymoron) vanishes, she suddenly stops talking to me and when I see her online and pop online, she goes offline. (It's more complicated than that, with a friend of hers who also PMs and emails me, but they are one and the same -- from details I won't get into here).
My angina has been coming back a little -- but getting better most recently -- when I am biking.
My therapist told me she is leaving, dropped that only at our what turned out to be our final session.
So, yeah, in what is usually my favorite time of year, I'm depressed. I am fighting real depression, aching in my bones depression.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
I guess I'm grieving
Feeling so restless lately...
I know I am grieving.
The abrupt changes at work (even if they are for the better in the overall scheme of things); suddenly losing G. (and wondering if I ever had her at all); losing my car (basically losing it, giving it up now, because someone screwed up while trying to repair it).
So as I have said, everything can be new again. If I choose.
But this 4-day weekend seems to have been almost a loss. I don't even feel rested.
Hopefully I will feel more relieved after I get my first bonus paycheck, hopefully getting and getting it cashed by Thursday. Just to have enough money to hire a cab to bring my laundry to the cleaners Saturday morning, just to have enough money to "refill" my credit card, maybe make a couple online purchases without having to worry about going over my limit when the monthly charges come in. Just to have enough to get some food at the co-op deli without worrying about the few dollars.
More, that I want, and I need to take care of, but that would be the start...
Right now, I know I am still grieving. G. And my car. And my former freedom at work. Why can’t I just accept that?
I know I am grieving.
The abrupt changes at work (even if they are for the better in the overall scheme of things); suddenly losing G. (and wondering if I ever had her at all); losing my car (basically losing it, giving it up now, because someone screwed up while trying to repair it).
So as I have said, everything can be new again. If I choose.
But this 4-day weekend seems to have been almost a loss. I don't even feel rested.
Hopefully I will feel more relieved after I get my first bonus paycheck, hopefully getting and getting it cashed by Thursday. Just to have enough money to hire a cab to bring my laundry to the cleaners Saturday morning, just to have enough money to "refill" my credit card, maybe make a couple online purchases without having to worry about going over my limit when the monthly charges come in. Just to have enough to get some food at the co-op deli without worrying about the few dollars.
More, that I want, and I need to take care of, but that would be the start...
Right now, I know I am still grieving. G. And my car. And my former freedom at work. Why can’t I just accept that?
The Light and The Dark
I want to say everything.
I want to do everything.
And at the same time I want to curl up into a ball a just fade away...
I want to do everything.
And at the same time I want to curl up into a ball a just fade away...
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Collette quotes
So much going on in my life right now - at least by my standards - am strugglnig to keep everything together.
I was looking for another quote someone said on NPR, I think it was by Collette; I didn't find it but I came across these --
On this narrow planet, we have only the choice between two unknown worlds. One of them tempts us - ah! what a dream, to live in that! - the other stifles us at the first breath.
~ Sidonie Gabrielle Colette
You must not pity me because my sixtieth year finds me still astonished. To be astonished is one of the surest ways of not growing old too quickly.
~ Sidonie Gabrielle Colette
I was looking for another quote someone said on NPR, I think it was by Collette; I didn't find it but I came across these --
On this narrow planet, we have only the choice between two unknown worlds. One of them tempts us - ah! what a dream, to live in that! - the other stifles us at the first breath.
~ Sidonie Gabrielle Colette
You must not pity me because my sixtieth year finds me still astonished. To be astonished is one of the surest ways of not growing old too quickly.
~ Sidonie Gabrielle Colette
Thursday, June 26, 2008
About how we are constantly, helplessly moving into the future, the unknown
From an email from the "What is Enlightenment" website -- basically an advertisement, but some cool thoughts --
Living Forward
In his new book, Reinventing the Sacred, the renowned biologist and complexity theorist Stuart A. Kauffman repeatedly speaks to the limitations of rationality in the face of an evolving, creative cosmos:
One view of God is that God is our chosen name for the ceaseless creativity in the natural universe, biosphere, and human cultures. Because of this ceaseless creativity, we typically do not and cannot know what will happen. We live our lives forward, as Kierkegaard said. We live as if we knew, as Nietzsche said. We live our lives forward into mystery, and do so with faith and courage, for that is the mandate of life itself. But the fact that we must live our lives forward into a ceaseless creativity that we cannot fully understand means that reason alone is an insufficient guide to living our lives. Reason, the center of the Enlightenment, is but one of the evolved, fully human means we use to live our lives. Reason itself has finally led us to see the inadequacy of reason. We must therefore reunite our full humanity. We must see ourselves whole, living in a creative world we can never fully know.
Living Forward
In his new book, Reinventing the Sacred, the renowned biologist and complexity theorist Stuart A. Kauffman repeatedly speaks to the limitations of rationality in the face of an evolving, creative cosmos:
One view of God is that God is our chosen name for the ceaseless creativity in the natural universe, biosphere, and human cultures. Because of this ceaseless creativity, we typically do not and cannot know what will happen. We live our lives forward, as Kierkegaard said. We live as if we knew, as Nietzsche said. We live our lives forward into mystery, and do so with faith and courage, for that is the mandate of life itself. But the fact that we must live our lives forward into a ceaseless creativity that we cannot fully understand means that reason alone is an insufficient guide to living our lives. Reason, the center of the Enlightenment, is but one of the evolved, fully human means we use to live our lives. Reason itself has finally led us to see the inadequacy of reason. We must therefore reunite our full humanity. We must see ourselves whole, living in a creative world we can never fully know.
It was just BS
It is a 100% statistical probability that G. was just bullshit.
Brilliant bullshit, but bullshit nonetheless.
Brilliant bullshit, but bullshit nonetheless.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
"Don't be afraid of hardship or suffering.... confront them head-on"
From SGI President Daisaku Ikeda
Monday, June 23rd, 2008
---- DAILY ENCOURAGEMENT ----
"The great French author Victor Hugo (1802-85) noted that faith is forged
amid the pains of hardship and suffering. Don't be afraid of hardship or
suffering, instead of running away from them, confront them head-on. Always
resolve to take full responsibility yourself."
=====
Which is GREAT... But...almost impossible to do. Certainly I haven't taught myself to do it yet.
I do not know what Victor Hugo meant by "faith". Or by the French word that he used, and its translation into Ikeda's native Japanese, and that word's translation into the English word. "Faith" as it is commonly used and understood in American culture is SO different than what Nichiren meant by the word translated as "faith". I am sure.
Sometimes it feels like my adult lifetime of my Buddhist practice has little room to spare from just the process of unlearning these words as I was raised to understand them -- "faith", "prayer", "benefit". Or maybe I am just thinking too NLP-ish....
Monday, June 23rd, 2008
---- DAILY ENCOURAGEMENT ----
"The great French author Victor Hugo (1802-85) noted that faith is forged
amid the pains of hardship and suffering. Don't be afraid of hardship or
suffering, instead of running away from them, confront them head-on. Always
resolve to take full responsibility yourself."
=====
Which is GREAT... But...almost impossible to do. Certainly I haven't taught myself to do it yet.
I do not know what Victor Hugo meant by "faith". Or by the French word that he used, and its translation into Ikeda's native Japanese, and that word's translation into the English word. "Faith" as it is commonly used and understood in American culture is SO different than what Nichiren meant by the word translated as "faith". I am sure.
Sometimes it feels like my adult lifetime of my Buddhist practice has little room to spare from just the process of unlearning these words as I was raised to understand them -- "faith", "prayer", "benefit". Or maybe I am just thinking too NLP-ish....
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Encouraging
Life is a series of challenges.
Let's advance boldly and courageously!
Today's self, winning over yesterday's self.
Tomorrow's self, winning over today's self.
Let's enact a wonderful drama of human revolution on life's stage!
Daisaku Ikeda, Daily Encouragement for June 18, 2008
Let's advance boldly and courageously!
Today's self, winning over yesterday's self.
Tomorrow's self, winning over today's self.
Let's enact a wonderful drama of human revolution on life's stage!
Daisaku Ikeda, Daily Encouragement for June 18, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
"Everything you know is wrong"
What do you do when you realize you do not want what you always assumed you wanted?
When you realize you want something, but you never knew you wanted it before? Or even just never wanted it before?
When you are about to turn 46 years old in a month?
Do I dare?
I feel like that old Firesign Theater comedy album title -- "Everything You Know Is Wrong"
When you realize you want something, but you never knew you wanted it before? Or even just never wanted it before?
When you are about to turn 46 years old in a month?
Do I dare?
I feel like that old Firesign Theater comedy album title -- "Everything You Know Is Wrong"
Monday, June 16, 2008
Desire and reality...
Finally got an offline from G. this morning -- from a time when I would still have been home on a normal workday. Still not sure if this is real; if she sees time differently than I; or if she even is who she says she is.
But I also am wondering: What do I want out of this? What can I realistically expect out of this relationship, even if it turns out it is on the up and up?
Reminds me of a quote from my favorite novel, Samuel R. Delany's "Stars in My Pocket Like Grains of Sand", when the narrator is told by a friend that she has found him, via synapse mapping, a "perfect" lover:
"At thirty-six years [old] you know it can't be done.
Which I guess is what desire is all about."
But I also am wondering: What do I want out of this? What can I realistically expect out of this relationship, even if it turns out it is on the up and up?
Reminds me of a quote from my favorite novel, Samuel R. Delany's "Stars in My Pocket Like Grains of Sand", when the narrator is told by a friend that she has found him, via synapse mapping, a "perfect" lover:
"At thirty-six years [old] you know it can't be done.
Which I guess is what desire is all about."
Sunday, June 15, 2008
just a couple things
So many things, big and little ---
Still have not heard from G., or L. -- now, for the sake of my sanity, I am having to assume it was a game. Or she is gone from my life.
Or it may be that when I come home from Father's Day, she will have left me an offline apologizing and everything is fine and will be fine and I will still be visiting her in two months.
~
When I was biking yesterday -- up the Riverwalk, near the beginning of the hour and a half ride -- I was getting chest pains: like angina, but maybe just muscular, or a slight bronchial infection or allergy. And I imagined keeling over and dying.
And I thought: "That's okay - I can die now."
Which is the first time I had that thought since my heart attack and surgery, instead of the exact opposite -- "I can't die yet, I'm not supposed to die yet; there is something I MUST do before I die - I still have a mission to accomplish, one that I don't even know yet!"
But today, I feel again it is not my time yet - there is still something for me to do.
Maybe this has to do with my accomplishment of sustaining he Coalition on my own for the past 11 months. Maybe this has t do with feeling it is best for me emotionally to give up on G. Maybe I'm just tired, and can actually relax a bit now that we have a new Executive Director.
~
Maybe G. will pop up again tomorrow morning, and all will be well with the world again. Maybe I should not be so emotionally dependent on an "online relationship". But then again, maybe it is all real. Probably my not knowing is the worst part of this at the moment.
Still have not heard from G., or L. -- now, for the sake of my sanity, I am having to assume it was a game. Or she is gone from my life.
Or it may be that when I come home from Father's Day, she will have left me an offline apologizing and everything is fine and will be fine and I will still be visiting her in two months.
~
When I was biking yesterday -- up the Riverwalk, near the beginning of the hour and a half ride -- I was getting chest pains: like angina, but maybe just muscular, or a slight bronchial infection or allergy. And I imagined keeling over and dying.
And I thought: "That's okay - I can die now."
Which is the first time I had that thought since my heart attack and surgery, instead of the exact opposite -- "I can't die yet, I'm not supposed to die yet; there is something I MUST do before I die - I still have a mission to accomplish, one that I don't even know yet!"
But today, I feel again it is not my time yet - there is still something for me to do.
Maybe this has to do with my accomplishment of sustaining he Coalition on my own for the past 11 months. Maybe this has t do with feeling it is best for me emotionally to give up on G. Maybe I'm just tired, and can actually relax a bit now that we have a new Executive Director.
~
Maybe G. will pop up again tomorrow morning, and all will be well with the world again. Maybe I should not be so emotionally dependent on an "online relationship". But then again, maybe it is all real. Probably my not knowing is the worst part of this at the moment.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
"nothing's gonna change my world..."
I still haven't felt like doing anything today.
Even after an hour-and-a-half bike ride, and an hour's daimoku. Even after reading a trivia game with Box of Rox/Mark. Even when there are people online whom I usually would talk with.
Just...flat.
Can't figure it out. It's almost bedtime anyway. Maybe if I had more money, I would have gone to Jim's Steak-Out for a taco and fries combo ~ but still the idea of that does next to nothing for me.
Is the only thing I want is to talk with G.? I thought my life was bigger - and by now more realistic - than that.
Even after an hour-and-a-half bike ride, and an hour's daimoku. Even after reading a trivia game with Box of Rox/Mark. Even when there are people online whom I usually would talk with.
Just...flat.
Can't figure it out. It's almost bedtime anyway. Maybe if I had more money, I would have gone to Jim's Steak-Out for a taco and fries combo ~ but still the idea of that does next to nothing for me.
Is the only thing I want is to talk with G.? I thought my life was bigger - and by now more realistic - than that.
Will I be a fool, or will I be a lion?
(Saturday) Feeling down today -- although I know I need rest I still don't want to rest.
For one thing, on a normal Saturday the past couple months I would go spend a couple hours or more at the Community Center through the 10:00 am - 8:00 pm Soka Spirit toso -- but this weekend our new Community Center is closed, per the lease, so the landlord can make money off the big gated parking lot for the Allentown Art Festival. I am still down to chant from 5:00 - 6:00 though.
And I am so fucking broke -- have about $40 I think, including credit card, to last through when I get my paycheck in he mail on Friday -- TOTAL.
And --
G. has not as much as sent me an offline since we talked briefly early Tuesday saying she was off work but would be stay in from the 100 degree heat there, and be online waiting for me -- but by the time I got to work, and slipped online she wasn't on. (and she didn't even drop me an offline that she had made plans and decided to go out.) And I haven't heard from her since.
I even dropped L. an offline today asking if G. had stopped in the shop to see her or if she had heard from her.
From all I know - they are one and the same...
And despite G.'s swearing of her love and attention toward me, in the end it is all just words, in a online universe that is just words. Hell, even at this point she hasn't even given me a phone number, or bothered spending $15 on a computer mic when I know she makes a special trip and spends almost as much a week on her "food". Even after we have started making plans for me to visit her and stay with her for a week in late August. And even though she has been talking about borrowing a cam from a friend and sending me "special" pics of her, she says she still has not been able to connect with her...
Is she real?
Is she playing "chicken" with me?
In this week's Artvoice "Free Will Astrology" - Bob Brezsny is a Cancerian himself, and I look at it more as cool advise he is giving, than any guidance - he references the 80's Matthew Broderick movie "War Games", and advises: "The game your playing is nowhere near as dangerous,...of course, but why not play to win?"
So, if this is a "game" G. has been playing on me the last 7 months, I will somehow come out winning. Even if it not winning against her, I will still bring it to Gohonzon, I will still win over me.
And if it is that G. and all this is real -- and if she has just let time fly by without realizing it (as she has expressed before after being offline to me for 4 or 5 days; she is after all a lot younger than me and therefore sees time and the future/lifetime differently than I do), then, if it is real -- I am the fucking luckiest man in the world!
For one thing, on a normal Saturday the past couple months I would go spend a couple hours or more at the Community Center through the 10:00 am - 8:00 pm Soka Spirit toso -- but this weekend our new Community Center is closed, per the lease, so the landlord can make money off the big gated parking lot for the Allentown Art Festival. I am still down to chant from 5:00 - 6:00 though.
And I am so fucking broke -- have about $40 I think, including credit card, to last through when I get my paycheck in he mail on Friday -- TOTAL.
And --
G. has not as much as sent me an offline since we talked briefly early Tuesday saying she was off work but would be stay in from the 100 degree heat there, and be online waiting for me -- but by the time I got to work, and slipped online she wasn't on. (and she didn't even drop me an offline that she had made plans and decided to go out.) And I haven't heard from her since.
I even dropped L. an offline today asking if G. had stopped in the shop to see her or if she had heard from her.
From all I know - they are one and the same...
And despite G.'s swearing of her love and attention toward me, in the end it is all just words, in a online universe that is just words. Hell, even at this point she hasn't even given me a phone number, or bothered spending $15 on a computer mic when I know she makes a special trip and spends almost as much a week on her "food". Even after we have started making plans for me to visit her and stay with her for a week in late August. And even though she has been talking about borrowing a cam from a friend and sending me "special" pics of her, she says she still has not been able to connect with her...
Is she real?
Is she playing "chicken" with me?
In this week's Artvoice "Free Will Astrology" - Bob Brezsny is a Cancerian himself, and I look at it more as cool advise he is giving, than any guidance - he references the 80's Matthew Broderick movie "War Games", and advises: "The game your playing is nowhere near as dangerous,...of course, but why not play to win?"
So, if this is a "game" G. has been playing on me the last 7 months, I will somehow come out winning. Even if it not winning against her, I will still bring it to Gohonzon, I will still win over me.
And if it is that G. and all this is real -- and if she has just let time fly by without realizing it (as she has expressed before after being offline to me for 4 or 5 days; she is after all a lot younger than me and therefore sees time and the future/lifetime differently than I do), then, if it is real -- I am the fucking luckiest man in the world!
Friday, June 13, 2008
A girl on the street
While walking back to work from dropping off mail at the corner mailbox yesterday afternoon, I passed a young couple.
The girl was thin, in a black dress loose even on her frail frame, pretty, pale skin and blue eyes; dour.
She was wearing an odd, slightly baggy, white knit or thick mesh cap -- odd in this weather as it was, but also not sure if I saw any strand of blonde hair from under it.
And from under the collar of her dress, up along the left side of her throat, was a semi-rigid yellow straw, a plastic tube, coming up from the hint of a mechanism at her shoulder, that after a hard joint went up into her left nostril.
She looked like someone out of Star Trek: The Next Generation --seriously, literally.
I just wanted to talk with her. I just wanted to know what she was goning through, what her story is.
The girl was thin, in a black dress loose even on her frail frame, pretty, pale skin and blue eyes; dour.
She was wearing an odd, slightly baggy, white knit or thick mesh cap -- odd in this weather as it was, but also not sure if I saw any strand of blonde hair from under it.
And from under the collar of her dress, up along the left side of her throat, was a semi-rigid yellow straw, a plastic tube, coming up from the hint of a mechanism at her shoulder, that after a hard joint went up into her left nostril.
She looked like someone out of Star Trek: The Next Generation --seriously, literally.
I just wanted to talk with her. I just wanted to know what she was goning through, what her story is.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
"What do * I * want?"
I was chanting, for half an our this afternoon, back home after world Peace Gongyo, about my situation at work tomorrow -- i will be getting a new boss, and Jim Coder will bring him over and we will talk tomorrow. And started chanted about his happiness, that I am a good employee, even picturing that I shakubuku him (introduce him to Buddhism) and picturing him getting Gohonzon ---
And then something washed over me, that never had before...
"What do I want?!"
That just came out of my life, like it never has before. The thought being the big picture. Am I really cut out for working at a desk in an office? Do I want to work on my own, even be self-employed?
Just the question itself was a bolt out of the blue. A deep thought and paradigm shifting I had never had before.
Wow!
I just this morning read Thom Rutledge in Embracing Fear talking about "living by default", just accepting and taking what happens to come your way, even the big things, like jobs and careers, marriages. He was fortunate enough to realize this, and that he was himself doing this, while he was still in his 20's and in still in college.
But I am still fortunate enough, hopefully, to realize it and come to grip with it now.
I keep surprising myself!!
And then something washed over me, that never had before...
"What do I want?!"
That just came out of my life, like it never has before. The thought being the big picture. Am I really cut out for working at a desk in an office? Do I want to work on my own, even be self-employed?
Just the question itself was a bolt out of the blue. A deep thought and paradigm shifting I had never had before.
Wow!
I just this morning read Thom Rutledge in Embracing Fear talking about "living by default", just accepting and taking what happens to come your way, even the big things, like jobs and careers, marriages. He was fortunate enough to realize this, and that he was himself doing this, while he was still in his 20's and in still in college.
But I am still fortunate enough, hopefully, to realize it and come to grip with it now.
I keep surprising myself!!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
"The Last Sancho" Chapter One
I knew she was sansho shima the moment she walked through the Kaikan door.
But she was the kind of sansho shima I could turn into a real zenshishiki, if I had the right attitude.
She was a Treasure Tower, all right. The kind of dame a High Priest would get himself arrested for. But thanks to my Buddha Wisdom I could see through to all the worry hiding behind her lipstick and powder.
"What's a nice girl like you doing in a life-condition like this?" I asked.
"Who wants to know?" She looked me up and down.
I swung my feet off the Gajokai desk, stood up, and tipped my fedora to her. "The names Bonno, Bonno Soku Bodai."
"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Bodai." She arched an eyebrow. "So, are those your book and beads in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
Actually, they were my book and beads. I always keep in my pocket, along with a rolled up copy of the latest Living Buddhism.
"Come on in," I said, "The butsudan's open--"
"Hold it, mister. Just what kind of girl do you think I am?"
"Maybe the kind of girl who likes a little hoben, a little juryo, and maybe a lot of daimoku afterwards...?"
"To let you know, I do it twice a day, every day."
I had definitely met my kenzoku.
As I reached for the Gohonzon Room door, she grabbed my other hand. I turned around. Lines of worry ruined her porcelain-smooth forehead.
"Hold it, Bonno. I can tell you're a swell guy." Then she sighed the saddest sigh I had ever heard.
"You don't want to do gongyo with a gal like me..."
And what she was about to tell me would change both our lives. Forever.
But she was the kind of sansho shima I could turn into a real zenshishiki, if I had the right attitude.
She was a Treasure Tower, all right. The kind of dame a High Priest would get himself arrested for. But thanks to my Buddha Wisdom I could see through to all the worry hiding behind her lipstick and powder.
"What's a nice girl like you doing in a life-condition like this?" I asked.
"Who wants to know?" She looked me up and down.
I swung my feet off the Gajokai desk, stood up, and tipped my fedora to her. "The names Bonno, Bonno Soku Bodai."
"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Bodai." She arched an eyebrow. "So, are those your book and beads in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
Actually, they were my book and beads. I always keep in my pocket, along with a rolled up copy of the latest Living Buddhism.
"Come on in," I said, "The butsudan's open--"
"Hold it, mister. Just what kind of girl do you think I am?"
"Maybe the kind of girl who likes a little hoben, a little juryo, and maybe a lot of daimoku afterwards...?"
"To let you know, I do it twice a day, every day."
I had definitely met my kenzoku.
As I reached for the Gohonzon Room door, she grabbed my other hand. I turned around. Lines of worry ruined her porcelain-smooth forehead.
"Hold it, Bonno. I can tell you're a swell guy." Then she sighed the saddest sigh I had ever heard.
"You don't want to do gongyo with a gal like me..."
And what she was about to tell me would change both our lives. Forever.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
....But it's not going to be today
"And I would love to miss this train,
And I would love to run away --
But it's not going to be today"
- Emily Joffee, "Today"
And I would love to run away --
But it's not going to be today"
- Emily Joffee, "Today"
Sunday, May 18, 2008
"What would I do today if I were brave?"
And that is the best way I know how to proceed. Since we are not going to outrun fear, or outsmart it, or successfully hide from it, we wake up each morning and ask ourselves the question: "What would I do today if I were brave?"
And then, to the very best of our ability, we go do just that.
- Thom Rutledge, "Embracing Fear"
And then, to the very best of our ability, we go do just that.
- Thom Rutledge, "Embracing Fear"
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Thoughts while reading "Embracing Fear"
Reading "Embracing Fear: and Finding the Courage to Live Your Life" but Thom Rutledge, at Maureen's recommendation.
It is amazing, in its way. Looking at a problem, something inside you keeping you back, and go "down the ladder", deeper and deeper into your underlying, and then the underlying that, fear.
At the moment, I am freaked out because last night someone on Yahooo I had not seen or heard from in a month sent me a new add request, saying that Yahoo had deleted her account. I added her -- but chose the option to combine her with an existing account on my list -- so I hit that, almost automatically. And then I clicked on the "View Profile" option on her name on my buddy list -- and got Yahoo's "this account does not exist" page. I PMed her, but haven't got a response yet. So not sure if my PM actually got to her new account. And Yahoo's Member Directory is acting up and useless, so I wasn't able to find her new nick there.
And this morning I got bounced, and as I was typing my account back in, I got something I have never seen before -- a dialogue box from yahoo saying that it has detected I already have an account, and gave me the options of clicking on that account name, or to choose to enter another one. I got back in with out any problem, but that still worries me. The only connection I have with G. is through Yahoo -- she has even told me her only email address is the one attached to her Yahoo nick. (At least as far as she tells me.) I have figured out where she works, from googling her telling me what kind of business it is, and the street it is on -- but she does not know that -- and I am not sure if she would get in trouble if I called her at work, say, if at some point I don't hear from her in a week or so.
So, this is my fear -- I am an emotional wreck this morning, after not hearing from her late last night or earlier this morning before she left (by now, an hour ago) to meet a friend for breakfast.
I know at least one of my base fears is being left alone...
And deeper than that, there is something more, I know.
The fear of being ignored? The fear of being emotionally ignored? (which is what happens to sexually abused children by their abusers). Maybe the dual opposing fears, as Rutledge calls it - the isometric fears - of being ignored and being observed, in the spotlight. I could see this duality in my family dynamic with me parents. Holding back so they can take care of Eileen, worried that some of my needs - at least emotionally and developmentally - were ignored by them as they triaged me to deal with Eileen ("Larry may have emotional and social deficiencies, but at least he can survive today if that is not attended to; Eileen, on the other hand, literally might not survive without our concentrating on her").
And I find even more of a piece of mind, just writing that. Will continue to read Rutledge's book, and do the work. Even as little as have, he is helping me.
It is amazing, in its way. Looking at a problem, something inside you keeping you back, and go "down the ladder", deeper and deeper into your underlying, and then the underlying that, fear.
At the moment, I am freaked out because last night someone on Yahooo I had not seen or heard from in a month sent me a new add request, saying that Yahoo had deleted her account. I added her -- but chose the option to combine her with an existing account on my list -- so I hit that, almost automatically. And then I clicked on the "View Profile" option on her name on my buddy list -- and got Yahoo's "this account does not exist" page. I PMed her, but haven't got a response yet. So not sure if my PM actually got to her new account. And Yahoo's Member Directory is acting up and useless, so I wasn't able to find her new nick there.
And this morning I got bounced, and as I was typing my account back in, I got something I have never seen before -- a dialogue box from yahoo saying that it has detected I already have an account, and gave me the options of clicking on that account name, or to choose to enter another one. I got back in with out any problem, but that still worries me. The only connection I have with G. is through Yahoo -- she has even told me her only email address is the one attached to her Yahoo nick. (At least as far as she tells me.) I have figured out where she works, from googling her telling me what kind of business it is, and the street it is on -- but she does not know that -- and I am not sure if she would get in trouble if I called her at work, say, if at some point I don't hear from her in a week or so.
So, this is my fear -- I am an emotional wreck this morning, after not hearing from her late last night or earlier this morning before she left (by now, an hour ago) to meet a friend for breakfast.
I know at least one of my base fears is being left alone...
And deeper than that, there is something more, I know.
The fear of being ignored? The fear of being emotionally ignored? (which is what happens to sexually abused children by their abusers). Maybe the dual opposing fears, as Rutledge calls it - the isometric fears - of being ignored and being observed, in the spotlight. I could see this duality in my family dynamic with me parents. Holding back so they can take care of Eileen, worried that some of my needs - at least emotionally and developmentally - were ignored by them as they triaged me to deal with Eileen ("Larry may have emotional and social deficiencies, but at least he can survive today if that is not attended to; Eileen, on the other hand, literally might not survive without our concentrating on her").
And I find even more of a piece of mind, just writing that. Will continue to read Rutledge's book, and do the work. Even as little as have, he is helping me.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
A comment of mine on Huffpost today
A comment of mine on a Huffington Post story about President George W. Bush appearing on "Deal or No Deal", and making a joke about his own low approval ratings. Maybe not specific to the article and video, but in the same vein as some other who commented about this man's joking while he has fucked up lives and deeply damaged America ----
George W. Bush is a sociopath. Like Ted Bundy and Drew Peterson, he has no feelings for anyone but himself. Literally.
For Bush, words, language, and gestures, have zero emotional impact - so he can say and do whatever he thinks he has to say to get what he wants from people. He can lie, and feel no remorse.
The vast majority of such people are not killers or lying politicians -- They actually tend to be successful: because they have no real empathy for other people (but they know how to make people *think* they do), they see the world as literally a "game", they smoothly manipulate others -- get the beautiful women, win the top salesman awards, say that a 51% electoral win is a "landslide" because that is what they want -- because empathy and sympathy for the other person does not get in in the way of what THEY want.
Thank you, you millions of naive Christians, for not seeing this man for what he really is, and voting for him twice.
George W. Bush is a sociopath. Like Ted Bundy and Drew Peterson, he has no feelings for anyone but himself. Literally.
For Bush, words, language, and gestures, have zero emotional impact - so he can say and do whatever he thinks he has to say to get what he wants from people. He can lie, and feel no remorse.
The vast majority of such people are not killers or lying politicians -- They actually tend to be successful: because they have no real empathy for other people (but they know how to make people *think* they do), they see the world as literally a "game", they smoothly manipulate others -- get the beautiful women, win the top salesman awards, say that a 51% electoral win is a "landslide" because that is what they want -- because empathy and sympathy for the other person does not get in in the way of what THEY want.
Thank you, you millions of naive Christians, for not seeing this man for what he really is, and voting for him twice.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Today's thoughts
I cannot remember feeling better than I have since Thursday evening, all this long weekend.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Wonderful weekend
I haven't posted in a couple days -- busy enjoy this wonderful summery weekend on the anniversary of my quadruple bypass operation.
As I had planned, took Friday, the anniversary day, off work -- went on a 2-hour bike rIde. It actually lasted 15 minutes longer; up the Riverwalk to Niawanda Park. The sun warm but the ice packing the river giving off quick sharp breezes. It got up to 87 yesterday, and I went for another 1 hour bike ride and hung out at The Spot for a Protein Power Shake. And another 45 minute ride earlier this afternoon.
And I've had some great convos online this weekend. A dry spell over the last couple hours, but even enjoying hanging in Trivia Lounge Cafe.
As I had planned, took Friday, the anniversary day, off work -- went on a 2-hour bike rIde. It actually lasted 15 minutes longer; up the Riverwalk to Niawanda Park. The sun warm but the ice packing the river giving off quick sharp breezes. It got up to 87 yesterday, and I went for another 1 hour bike ride and hung out at The Spot for a Protein Power Shake. And another 45 minute ride earlier this afternoon.
And I've had some great convos online this weekend. A dry spell over the last couple hours, but even enjoying hanging in Trivia Lounge Cafe.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
a year ago tonight
A year ago tonight, at this time, I was lying in a hospital bed I had been in for seven days, naked, getting my entire front shaved for surgery. I felt old, unmasculine, and I was bloated from a week of IV saline drip to make myself big and bloated for the surgery. The young woman shaving me was bright and young and very attractive; her parents were roadies and stage managers for rock acts -- on her 10th birthday she got a personal birthday call from Ozzy Ozbourne, she calls Jon Bon Jovi, "Uncle Jon".
This world is so wonderful sometimes.
This world is so wonderful sometimes.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Shakespeare - Henry V
Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
And crowns for convoy put into his purse;
We would not die in that man's company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is call'd the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian.'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.'
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
And crowns for convoy put into his purse;
We would not die in that man's company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is call'd the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian.'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.'
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.
And I sometimes think *I* am in a prison....
While I was working out at the Cardiac rehab unit, on a treadmill with my headphones blasting so I am not sure specifically what transpired, a corrections officer escorted a man in: tall, shaved bald, not unattractive, maybe a few years younger than me: he was wearing matching forest green shirt and slacks, and was wearing black boots but limply holding up a pair of white sneakers in his hands before his chest. The corrections officer handed an envelope to one of the trainers - from what I could tell, I assume the guy couldn't work out because someone wasn't there at that time (maybe it was that Corey, the only man who works there, wasn't in).
And it took me a few moments to register this: the guy was in handcuffs and shackles. He was a prisoner.
We caught each other's eyes, and smiled politely and nodded.
I would have loved to have talked with him. Not just to shakubuku him, but also just to hear his story.
And it took me a few moments to register this: the guy was in handcuffs and shackles. He was a prisoner.
We caught each other's eyes, and smiled politely and nodded.
I would have loved to have talked with him. Not just to shakubuku him, but also just to hear his story.
Monday, April 14, 2008
A DCW Monday
Tired today and tonight, but I felt really good and uplifted during my workout. I was so tired I stopped a very enjoyable roleplay in the middle if it.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Today's thoughts
We had a memorial service for Robert Ninham at the Community Center this afteroon.
I wanted to re-tell what I had said at the original gongyo service for him; that knowing he was a local Buddhist who had had and overcame a heart attack made me no feel so all alone with mine, last year. But half the people there had already heard me say that, and I also wanted to bring up the "Crispin's Day" soliloquy from Henry V, that the Garretts bad podcasted for me. But of course I hadn't thought about including the quote before I got there -- and I wasn't sure I would be able to "translate" Shakespeare's words to stir Englishmen to pride, into Robert's own struggle to pass on his own heritage.
So I didn't go up.
I wonder if that, in fact, is the kind if rootful "bad causes" I am making. Or maybe I just think too much.
Like perhaps my decision not to take action, will cause someone not to take action to contact me...
I wanted to re-tell what I had said at the original gongyo service for him; that knowing he was a local Buddhist who had had and overcame a heart attack made me no feel so all alone with mine, last year. But half the people there had already heard me say that, and I also wanted to bring up the "Crispin's Day" soliloquy from Henry V, that the Garretts bad podcasted for me. But of course I hadn't thought about including the quote before I got there -- and I wasn't sure I would be able to "translate" Shakespeare's words to stir Englishmen to pride, into Robert's own struggle to pass on his own heritage.
So I didn't go up.
I wonder if that, in fact, is the kind if rootful "bad causes" I am making. Or maybe I just think too much.
Like perhaps my decision not to take action, will cause someone not to take action to contact me...
Saturday, April 12, 2008
I am the Protagonist
I feel like the hapless unwitting protagonist in a Dean Koontz novel -- THERE IS SOMETHING I HAVE TO DO BEFORE I DIE, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS YET.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Yatomi vs. D'Souza
Today after gongyo at the Community Center Joe Murray and I sat in on the Youth Division study meeting.
VERY interesting! Based on a short chapter of one of Shin Yatomi's books, discussing religious freedom, and it's True meaning. The chapter literally began with The Establishment Clause of the First Amendment. And he went on to discuss Alex de Touquville's analysis of America's religious freedom being its great and wonderful strength.
Dinesh D'Souza proclaims -- and he is undeniably correct from a pure historical standpoint -- that freedom of religion was developed and allowed in a Christian culture. Interesting...
VERY interesting! Based on a short chapter of one of Shin Yatomi's books, discussing religious freedom, and it's True meaning. The chapter literally began with The Establishment Clause of the First Amendment. And he went on to discuss Alex de Touquville's analysis of America's religious freedom being its great and wonderful strength.
Dinesh D'Souza proclaims -- and he is undeniably correct from a pure historical standpoint -- that freedom of religion was developed and allowed in a Christian culture. Interesting...
Thursday, April 10, 2008
another day
A year ago this afternoon Joe drove me to the hospital emergency room, and I ended up staying there for two weeks.
Had a very intense conversation with G this afternoon, on top of that -- she got bounced off or dropped off yahoo before I knew we were finished, so I am worried about how we parted today.... Too personal to discuss; I an not even sure I should say this much... I may end up erasing this.
Had a very intense conversation with G this afternoon, on top of that -- she got bounced off or dropped off yahoo before I knew we were finished, so I am worried about how we parted today.... Too personal to discuss; I an not even sure I should say this much... I may end up erasing this.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Strange thoughts and feelings today
In a very strange -- no, depressed, moody -- mood today. Woke up this morning from a dream in which I had to deal with irate cats or dogs or vermin, in the place where I lived. Having to not only shoo them, but touch them. Something about the idea of it was very disturbing, more disturbing than the acts I had to do and found myself doing, themselves.
And this was after crawling into bed about 8:00 last night, waking up about 11:30, and up til after 3:00.
Talked with G. this morning, and she was telling she had just gotten season 2 of "Life on Mars" on DVD. From what she was saying the Bowie song is the theme song, and fits the show perfectly, at least for her. I am familiar with the song, or course, but not that familiar: I went to Rhapsody and played it this morning, along with some of Bowie's Space Oddity album with its "An Occassional Dream".
"Life on Mars" has haunted me all day. During lunch - although G. was not online - I listened to it again and again, googled the lyrics -- still don't understand it. It creates a world out of whole cloth, the way Leonard Cohen's "First We Take Manhattan" does. I sent G. an admittedly strange offline, telling her how I wondered - deeply wondered - what it meant to her and made her feel; I wanted to empathize with her so much. The beginning is about a young girl who, chided or encouraged by her mother and father I can't tell which, goes to the movies. Alone apparently. Those words and images of course would mean more to her than to me. She had told me about on of the lines or couplets fitting perfectly with something that happened in the series, I think it was the lawman taking down the wrong man.
I will miss her deeply, I think, until she pops up an IM again, hopefully tomorrow morning.
I also was listening to "An Occasional Dream", the soft song with the lilting, almost too dainty flute. A song I had recorded off the radio onto an 8-track. Even that must have been ten years before G. was born.
Even then, that song reminded me that there would be things that I would miss -- that I would never have my own "occasional dream", never lean back on a soft river bank with a women I loved and would spend my life with. (I think that image is in there - at least that is the image that that song brings to my mind.)
Like a lifetime destined for lost opportunities, never lived as fully as I would want or expect.
Like I have spent my life waiting for someone to say, "Now, you can go, take off, live your life". Maybe that a woman, a lover, a soul mate would say that to me. And she would add that she would stay with me.
This is something that I regrettably have to admit I have not found in Buddhism.
Of course, a Christian would read that and say: what I am missing is my relationship with God. But there is not God; as much as my heart, and my mentality, my emotional make-up, wants, craves there to be one, there just is not.
I have listened to Simon and Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" a few times on my iPod while working out... It strikes me that a Christian will hear it, and he will hear God speaking those words, that promise; but a Buddhist will hear HIMSELF speaking those words, that promise, to someone he loves.
What I want to do tonight is go to the new Community Center, and do gongyo and chant for half an hour, to BE someone's Bridge over Troubled Waters.
And this was after crawling into bed about 8:00 last night, waking up about 11:30, and up til after 3:00.
Talked with G. this morning, and she was telling she had just gotten season 2 of "Life on Mars" on DVD. From what she was saying the Bowie song is the theme song, and fits the show perfectly, at least for her. I am familiar with the song, or course, but not that familiar: I went to Rhapsody and played it this morning, along with some of Bowie's Space Oddity album with its "An Occassional Dream".
"Life on Mars" has haunted me all day. During lunch - although G. was not online - I listened to it again and again, googled the lyrics -- still don't understand it. It creates a world out of whole cloth, the way Leonard Cohen's "First We Take Manhattan" does. I sent G. an admittedly strange offline, telling her how I wondered - deeply wondered - what it meant to her and made her feel; I wanted to empathize with her so much. The beginning is about a young girl who, chided or encouraged by her mother and father I can't tell which, goes to the movies. Alone apparently. Those words and images of course would mean more to her than to me. She had told me about on of the lines or couplets fitting perfectly with something that happened in the series, I think it was the lawman taking down the wrong man.
I will miss her deeply, I think, until she pops up an IM again, hopefully tomorrow morning.
I also was listening to "An Occasional Dream", the soft song with the lilting, almost too dainty flute. A song I had recorded off the radio onto an 8-track. Even that must have been ten years before G. was born.
Even then, that song reminded me that there would be things that I would miss -- that I would never have my own "occasional dream", never lean back on a soft river bank with a women I loved and would spend my life with. (I think that image is in there - at least that is the image that that song brings to my mind.)
Like a lifetime destined for lost opportunities, never lived as fully as I would want or expect.
Like I have spent my life waiting for someone to say, "Now, you can go, take off, live your life". Maybe that a woman, a lover, a soul mate would say that to me. And she would add that she would stay with me.
This is something that I regrettably have to admit I have not found in Buddhism.
Of course, a Christian would read that and say: what I am missing is my relationship with God. But there is not God; as much as my heart, and my mentality, my emotional make-up, wants, craves there to be one, there just is not.
I have listened to Simon and Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" a few times on my iPod while working out... It strikes me that a Christian will hear it, and he will hear God speaking those words, that promise; but a Buddhist will hear HIMSELF speaking those words, that promise, to someone he loves.
What I want to do tonight is go to the new Community Center, and do gongyo and chant for half an hour, to BE someone's Bridge over Troubled Waters.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Tired today
Feeling very tired today. Crawled into bed about 9:30 last night - woke up at 5:30. But exhausted all day -- I am sure it is a combination of the three Valiums I am taking (all with coffee afterwards), and my starting to work out again.
I just feel like crawling into bed again, but it - this place of mine - feels so alone...
I just feel like crawling into bed again, but it - this place of mine - feels so alone...
Monday, April 7, 2008
Thoughts on D'Souza's "What's So Great About Christianity"
I'm about 120 pages into Dinesh D'Souza's What's So Great About Christianity. At this point he is discussing the old theism deductive argument that there must have been that which from which, or by which, everything else was created. An Original Cause. Which had no causation of its own, which "holds" the universe in its arms, so to speak.
But...
There is a HUGE, unsupportable leap, that this Original Cause, this self-causation, was the Abrahamic God. The only way to make this justification is by referring to the Christian holy texts, the biblical scriptures.
D'Souza also argues Anselm's argument (whom and which I have never heard of before) that defines God as "that than which no greater can be thought". If we can think such a thought - which we can - then unlike many other thoughts we think of that do not necessarily exist (like unicorns), then, uniquely, "that than which no greater can be thought" MUST exist, purely by its self-referencial definintion.
But...
That STILL does not prove that "that than which no greater can be thought" is the Abrahamic God.
There is a distinction that we MUST call upon scriptural Christians to make (unlike, say, very spiritual Christians such as my friend Marty Croese, or songwriter Leonard Cohen), between a god as a Force that can be deduced or induced by reason and even science, and the Abrahamic God.
Also, Fundamentalists, scripturalists both literal and interpretive, lack true spirituality. But that is for another day.
But...
There is a HUGE, unsupportable leap, that this Original Cause, this self-causation, was the Abrahamic God. The only way to make this justification is by referring to the Christian holy texts, the biblical scriptures.
D'Souza also argues Anselm's argument (whom and which I have never heard of before) that defines God as "that than which no greater can be thought". If we can think such a thought - which we can - then unlike many other thoughts we think of that do not necessarily exist (like unicorns), then, uniquely, "that than which no greater can be thought" MUST exist, purely by its self-referencial definintion.
But...
That STILL does not prove that "that than which no greater can be thought" is the Abrahamic God.
There is a distinction that we MUST call upon scriptural Christians to make (unlike, say, very spiritual Christians such as my friend Marty Croese, or songwriter Leonard Cohen), between a god as a Force that can be deduced or induced by reason and even science, and the Abrahamic God.
Also, Fundamentalists, scripturalists both literal and interpretive, lack true spirituality. But that is for another day.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
New Community Center Opening; and the first anniversary of my heart attack
This morning we had the official opening of our new Community Center. It is also the first anniversary of my heart attack - if you take my actual heart attack being a week into my sore chest which I though was (or was) the flu or infection, when I had the Good Friday broadcast of "The Sound of Music" on, my chest and left shoulders and arm aching, hunched over sideways, calling Dad asking his advice about going to the hospital, deciding not to, relieved when I actually awoke the next morning (my phone on the bed next to my head, so I coud use it right there if I could).
Anyway, it was a great opening, Danny Nagashima gave an excited great talk, pointing out at the wonderful dragon the children's group had carried into the Gohonzon Room with drums and ribbons: he explained that for a message to yesterday's New York City Lincoln Center(?) meeting from President Ikeda, Sensei told the New York area they should be like "an ascending dragon" -- and Danny was blown away by the truly beautiful dragon a couple of the children's fathers had created and the children pranced through the aisles two times.
Right now it is sunny and light breeze and 60 -- stopped on Elmwood for some salty cheesy fried food from Jim's Steak Out, and Elmwood was SO busy, full of laughing young people. A perfect day for a bike ride, especially now that G. is apparently offline (except for my bloated fullness from my wolfing down the fries and burrito). I've got a couple windows open, even though the breeze when it scoops in is chilled.
Perfect for a bike ride, with a jacket. And a LOT of riders were out on the streets and sidewalks. But, I went for a 55 minute ride late yesterday afternoon -- my usual 40 minute circuit, but of course I am slower just starting out. So I am TIRED. And I don't want to push myself too much even though part of me *craves* working out. I can almost feel the addictiveness of it. And I know my body needs it, just to bre strong and survive. But I am going to lie down now; maybe for just an hour or two, and then talk with G. again or go for a ride.
Anyway, it was a great opening, Danny Nagashima gave an excited great talk, pointing out at the wonderful dragon the children's group had carried into the Gohonzon Room with drums and ribbons: he explained that for a message to yesterday's New York City Lincoln Center(?) meeting from President Ikeda, Sensei told the New York area they should be like "an ascending dragon" -- and Danny was blown away by the truly beautiful dragon a couple of the children's fathers had created and the children pranced through the aisles two times.
Right now it is sunny and light breeze and 60 -- stopped on Elmwood for some salty cheesy fried food from Jim's Steak Out, and Elmwood was SO busy, full of laughing young people. A perfect day for a bike ride, especially now that G. is apparently offline (except for my bloated fullness from my wolfing down the fries and burrito). I've got a couple windows open, even though the breeze when it scoops in is chilled.
Perfect for a bike ride, with a jacket. And a LOT of riders were out on the streets and sidewalks. But, I went for a 55 minute ride late yesterday afternoon -- my usual 40 minute circuit, but of course I am slower just starting out. So I am TIRED. And I don't want to push myself too much even though part of me *craves* working out. I can almost feel the addictiveness of it. And I know my body needs it, just to bre strong and survive. But I am going to lie down now; maybe for just an hour or two, and then talk with G. again or go for a ride.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Saturday morning, no one on Yahoo...
To begin again.
Another story. Another group of people. Another time, another place.
Al the same really. The same way all days are the same, but within them almost infinite possibilities. Should we surrender a day, then? Simply because it is another day, another rolling of the world and another double rolling of the clocks?
Is it like the roll of the dice?
The big question is, if I am a 45 year old man, why do I sound like a 17-year-old trying to be profound?
There is more in heaven and earth, Lorenzio, than is dreamt of of your 'philosophy'...
Why don't I just write about the thinmgs I want to write about? Or even just write stories that I think wil sell, that people eould enjoy reading?
Is it some fear of my parents? Some fear, some hypnosis, that my father inculcated in me, to bescared of what I desired?
I desire to create. To write. To be sitting in a cafe in Boston or Orange, CA, or Paris, at my laptop, not here in my room in my apartment with my window curtain drawn shut from the cold.
But here I am.
I also want to create a dialectic of Buddhism-nontheism, with which I can debate and discuss religion and the world with Christians and atheists, and even Moslems, from the *Buddhist* perspective, to grapple the language away from the Christian angle that pervades our language, and even our intellectual discouse.
The questions are almost always framed from the Chrisitian assumptive: "Why *don't* you believe in God?" The language of the question, which is non-presumptive, which is just the way we *talk*, assumes a God. Or "the" God.
Shakubuku is about the heart. I - we - have been told that again and again. About touching the heart. Cutting through the clutter and the baggage. Ethan has told me - twice, in two different occasions - that *all* a Christian has is a book (and here he hold up his hand as if holding the Bible up in front of my face, shaking it in mock fear and rage). In the Christian PalTalk chatroom it is *all about* -- only about -- The Bible. Take that book away, and Christians are left with nothing. Not as profoundly as a Moslem would be, who beleive The Quran, those words, is the very breath if God.
But then again, we as Buddhists have our practice centered around "words", "breaths", as well, with our daimoku. And our daily personal recitation of Gongyo.
But our case is totally, 180-degrees different -- with "The Word" it is WE who create. Daily. And in the case when we are chanting daimoku, moment to moment.
President Ikeda has said (and I apologize, I do not know the source), that some anthropoogists believe that primitive men and women were praying *before* they had thought up something to pray to. Prayer came first. Prayer in it's pure form is hope. Buddhist prayer - the prayer that is daimoku, the prayer that is really called "kudoku" in Japanese -- to supress darkness and weakness and bring out stength and goodness -- is the *essence* of prayer in its true form. "I want to be better today, than I was yesterday. I want to be better tomorrow than I will be today" Or rather "I *will* be..."; "I *will to be*..."; "I *will myself to be* better..."
THAT is true prayer. The essence of what Emerson meant by our (human) drive being to challenge ourselves to greatness. Lincoln's admonition that we call forth our "better angels".
Maureen's blatant and blunt frustration with me at our session yesterday, that; 1) I know I don't want to work in an office 8 hours a day, but I do; 2) I don't want to live in Buffalo, but I do; 3) for some reason I feel tied down, even though I am not in a marriage or even a relationship.
This is the question of my life. That I have some seemingly insurmountable barrier, wall, keeping me from my true self.
Another story. Another group of people. Another time, another place.
Al the same really. The same way all days are the same, but within them almost infinite possibilities. Should we surrender a day, then? Simply because it is another day, another rolling of the world and another double rolling of the clocks?
Is it like the roll of the dice?
The big question is, if I am a 45 year old man, why do I sound like a 17-year-old trying to be profound?
There is more in heaven and earth, Lorenzio, than is dreamt of of your 'philosophy'...
Why don't I just write about the thinmgs I want to write about? Or even just write stories that I think wil sell, that people eould enjoy reading?
Is it some fear of my parents? Some fear, some hypnosis, that my father inculcated in me, to bescared of what I desired?
I desire to create. To write. To be sitting in a cafe in Boston or Orange, CA, or Paris, at my laptop, not here in my room in my apartment with my window curtain drawn shut from the cold.
But here I am.
I also want to create a dialectic of Buddhism-nontheism, with which I can debate and discuss religion and the world with Christians and atheists, and even Moslems, from the *Buddhist* perspective, to grapple the language away from the Christian angle that pervades our language, and even our intellectual discouse.
The questions are almost always framed from the Chrisitian assumptive: "Why *don't* you believe in God?" The language of the question, which is non-presumptive, which is just the way we *talk*, assumes a God. Or "the" God.
Shakubuku is about the heart. I - we - have been told that again and again. About touching the heart. Cutting through the clutter and the baggage. Ethan has told me - twice, in two different occasions - that *all* a Christian has is a book (and here he hold up his hand as if holding the Bible up in front of my face, shaking it in mock fear and rage). In the Christian PalTalk chatroom it is *all about* -- only about -- The Bible. Take that book away, and Christians are left with nothing. Not as profoundly as a Moslem would be, who beleive The Quran, those words, is the very breath if God.
But then again, we as Buddhists have our practice centered around "words", "breaths", as well, with our daimoku. And our daily personal recitation of Gongyo.
But our case is totally, 180-degrees different -- with "The Word" it is WE who create. Daily. And in the case when we are chanting daimoku, moment to moment.
President Ikeda has said (and I apologize, I do not know the source), that some anthropoogists believe that primitive men and women were praying *before* they had thought up something to pray to. Prayer came first. Prayer in it's pure form is hope. Buddhist prayer - the prayer that is daimoku, the prayer that is really called "kudoku" in Japanese -- to supress darkness and weakness and bring out stength and goodness -- is the *essence* of prayer in its true form. "I want to be better today, than I was yesterday. I want to be better tomorrow than I will be today" Or rather "I *will* be..."; "I *will to be*..."; "I *will myself to be* better..."
THAT is true prayer. The essence of what Emerson meant by our (human) drive being to challenge ourselves to greatness. Lincoln's admonition that we call forth our "better angels".
Maureen's blatant and blunt frustration with me at our session yesterday, that; 1) I know I don't want to work in an office 8 hours a day, but I do; 2) I don't want to live in Buffalo, but I do; 3) for some reason I feel tied down, even though I am not in a marriage or even a relationship.
This is the question of my life. That I have some seemingly insurmountable barrier, wall, keeping me from my true self.
Friday, April 4, 2008
Friday evening
Not sure what to say tonight -- was full of thoughts and things earlier, all day, but now, at 8:40, after having stuffed myself with dinner more than I know I should have, and playing PalTalk trivia now, just don't feel like doing anything but sitting here and pretending that the voices from my computer are keeping me warm.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
a Wednesday
After taking yesterday off rehab, I went in to work out today -- my body feels that wonderful but slightly tiring metabolic "hum". Jane didn't show up til I was leaving, but she she did touch my shoulder as we said "hello."
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
A Tuesday
Wrote an email to L. this morning opening up about my current concern with my fidgetiness and almost need for over-stimulation -- like TV, radio, IM convo, and trivia chatroom all going at the same time sometimes.
She listened to my long email, even thanked me for being so open with her, and gave me the name and number of a therapist nearby who specializes in trauma, which Lynn thinks this might be.
And she even thanked me for including the Mamet quote on Tolstoy's explanation of "midlife crisis". So cool to have her in my life!!
She listened to my long email, even thanked me for being so open with her, and gave me the name and number of a therapist nearby who specializes in trauma, which Lynn thinks this might be.
And she even thanked me for including the Mamet quote on Tolstoy's explanation of "midlife crisis". So cool to have her in my life!!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Spring has sprung?
Wow! I actually missed a day! For the first time in, what, three weeks? Yesterday - Sunday - I woke up naturally about 6:00, played and chatted online for the morning, and crawled back int obed around noon -- and woke up at 3:30 with a 4:00 family birthday party to get to! so by the time I got back, I forgot I forgot.
as for today, went to Sisters' Cardiac Rehab to work out again, as I had - after an over a two-month absence - on Thursday and again on Friday. Surprised that I have been able to maintain (almost) my full-paced 40-minute workout. Also shocked today that my heartrates were back down to almost the levels they were when I had been doing the workout before. Maybe because I remembered to refill and start taking again my Coreg, which I pretty much had let trail off for the past month - not sure if Coreg is a beta blocker or not, and have been taking the Lisiniprol regularly as prescribed -- or if somehow my body just re-adjusted over the two-day weekend break.
But.... There is a woman there I had never seen before, Jane, maybe early 50's: slender, you know in her 20's she was a real looker.
I want her.
Which is a feeling I haven't had in some time, for several months, to be talking with a woman, or just watching her, and thinking about approaching her and saying, 'my place is a mess, but I can throw a few dollars down for a motel room...' Strange thoughts from me. Especially that she is not my type, she is rather "Buffalo", literally a loud talker. but pretty, and slender, and energetic.
It feels good. Even though she's married and it is of course all wrong, lol.
as for today, went to Sisters' Cardiac Rehab to work out again, as I had - after an over a two-month absence - on Thursday and again on Friday. Surprised that I have been able to maintain (almost) my full-paced 40-minute workout. Also shocked today that my heartrates were back down to almost the levels they were when I had been doing the workout before. Maybe because I remembered to refill and start taking again my Coreg, which I pretty much had let trail off for the past month - not sure if Coreg is a beta blocker or not, and have been taking the Lisiniprol regularly as prescribed -- or if somehow my body just re-adjusted over the two-day weekend break.
But.... There is a woman there I had never seen before, Jane, maybe early 50's: slender, you know in her 20's she was a real looker.
I want her.
Which is a feeling I haven't had in some time, for several months, to be talking with a woman, or just watching her, and thinking about approaching her and saying, 'my place is a mess, but I can throw a few dollars down for a motel room...' Strange thoughts from me. Especially that she is not my type, she is rather "Buffalo", literally a loud talker. but pretty, and slender, and energetic.
It feels good. Even though she's married and it is of course all wrong, lol.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
A Saturday afternoon
As usual I was full ideas and thoughts to write about earlier, but now, at 4:00 and having spent a lot of timer doing Saturday-type errands, I've run out of steam.
I've added a counter to my blog -- you can't miss it, upper right-hand corner over my top pic -- but at this point at least, it only shows a tiny logo-ad, and not even a "00000" counter. Maybe it will after the first hit, whenever that will be.
Anyway, catch you later!
I've added a counter to my blog -- you can't miss it, upper right-hand corner over my top pic -- but at this point at least, it only shows a tiny logo-ad, and not even a "00000" counter. Maybe it will after the first hit, whenever that will be.
Anyway, catch you later!
Friday, March 28, 2008
Starting to work out again
Worked out at Sisters' Hosptal Cardiac Rehab yesterday and today, for the first time since January 17. I gained 10 lbs in these past two month alone!
I forgot how wonderful it feels to work out, and to have worked out. I can feel my metabolism bubbling. And I'm hungry, but for some reason food, the food I imagine right now I would enjoy, feels like just one part of something bigger. Hard to explain. Almost that it is okay to be hungry, okay to crave. But also as equally okay not to give in.
But I am worried about my heartrates -- my resting both days as I came in was 94, and I was getting up to 136 on the Elliptical with the handgrip pulse sensor, even staying back at level 2 intead of my previous level 3, and working it slower, about 2.5 to 2.7, compared to having to keep myself from going over 3.0. But with a minimum of lowering like that, including pacing my first few minutes at the treadmills slower and working up to 3.3 at the 5 minute mark, I pretty much kept up!
I forgot how wonderful it feels to work out, and to have worked out. I can feel my metabolism bubbling. And I'm hungry, but for some reason food, the food I imagine right now I would enjoy, feels like just one part of something bigger. Hard to explain. Almost that it is okay to be hungry, okay to crave. But also as equally okay not to give in.
But I am worried about my heartrates -- my resting both days as I came in was 94, and I was getting up to 136 on the Elliptical with the handgrip pulse sensor, even staying back at level 2 intead of my previous level 3, and working it slower, about 2.5 to 2.7, compared to having to keep myself from going over 3.0. But with a minimum of lowering like that, including pacing my first few minutes at the treadmills slower and working up to 3.3 at the 5 minute mark, I pretty much kept up!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
feeling like shit, still
I'm in a shitty mood this morning.
Doing Men's Division toban at the new Community Center was tougher than I had thought, evn get winded -- and as I have all my life, I sat there, obstensibly watching over other people, from a distance, while they laughed with each other and enjoyed their own lives.
And tonight I am supposed to give a study/lecture at the GLBTS meeting -- I had originally wanted to present from President Ikeda's 2008 United Nations Peace Proposal - but it is so dry, a discussion of UN agency works and recommendations, that there is nothing I could find to bite into.
So I decided to go with current Living Buddhism's ongoing study chapter on The Heritage of The Ultimate Law of Life -- which I had not been informed was being presented by Susan and Lynne last night for the Buffalo South Chapter.
And at least neither Lynn or Joe will make it tomorrow, and so many GLBTS members were there last night...
I TOLD Lynn and Joe that my giving a study would cause issues...
Doing Men's Division toban at the new Community Center was tougher than I had thought, evn get winded -- and as I have all my life, I sat there, obstensibly watching over other people, from a distance, while they laughed with each other and enjoyed their own lives.
And tonight I am supposed to give a study/lecture at the GLBTS meeting -- I had originally wanted to present from President Ikeda's 2008 United Nations Peace Proposal - but it is so dry, a discussion of UN agency works and recommendations, that there is nothing I could find to bite into.
So I decided to go with current Living Buddhism's ongoing study chapter on The Heritage of The Ultimate Law of Life -- which I had not been informed was being presented by Susan and Lynne last night for the Buffalo South Chapter.
And at least neither Lynn or Joe will make it tomorrow, and so many GLBTS members were there last night...
I TOLD Lynn and Joe that my giving a study would cause issues...
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
another day waiting for spring, I guess...
When I first re-dedicated myself to writing here every day - about two weeks ago - of course I imagined myself dedicating an hour, or half-an-hour, here discussing big issues, exposing my thoughts and wonders.
But most of the time, even as boring and dull as my life is, I just plop down a couple lines about how I am just going to plop down a couple lines.
~ ~
I've been having some sleep issues the past couple weeks; I assume it is the Valium, or the coffee I am downing to counteract the Valium. Nodding off and crawling into bed even before prime time starts, waking up at 1:00 or 2:00 totally confused, usually panicking about getting to work even on the weekends. Up til 4:00 or 5:00, playing in the trivia rooms with the wide awake Australians.
Went back to be just before 5:00 this morning -- and I let the radio alarm blast juvenile sports talk radio for over an hour, before I actually stumbled - literally - out of bed. Almost fell back onto the bed. Before I could manage to turn off the heating pad and then yank the plug out.
I'll be taking today as a sick day, just did morning gongyo, still in my robe - although I've been calling in my voicemail, and will be going nn for about an hour to check up on my emails and mail.
~ ~
So I guess this has been another just posting to post posts. But I do want to get to my own email to look back through and thnak thoe who replied (so nicely) to my questioning post on SGI Diversity.
But most of the time, even as boring and dull as my life is, I just plop down a couple lines about how I am just going to plop down a couple lines.
~ ~
I've been having some sleep issues the past couple weeks; I assume it is the Valium, or the coffee I am downing to counteract the Valium. Nodding off and crawling into bed even before prime time starts, waking up at 1:00 or 2:00 totally confused, usually panicking about getting to work even on the weekends. Up til 4:00 or 5:00, playing in the trivia rooms with the wide awake Australians.
Went back to be just before 5:00 this morning -- and I let the radio alarm blast juvenile sports talk radio for over an hour, before I actually stumbled - literally - out of bed. Almost fell back onto the bed. Before I could manage to turn off the heating pad and then yank the plug out.
I'll be taking today as a sick day, just did morning gongyo, still in my robe - although I've been calling in my voicemail, and will be going nn for about an hour to check up on my emails and mail.
~ ~
So I guess this has been another just posting to post posts. But I do want to get to my own email to look back through and thnak thoe who replied (so nicely) to my questioning post on SGI Diversity.
Monday, March 24, 2008
just feeling.... flat
Feeling down evening, not sure why, can find no reason.
I have to get on the study on "The Heritage of the Ultimate Law of Life" for my lecture Thursday evening.
I have to get on the study on "The Heritage of the Ultimate Law of Life" for my lecture Thursday evening.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
boring Easter weekend, really
Easter, boring day, boring weekend, slept odd hours, ate too much. Although I did go out and bike -- in 30 degrees -- for 20 minutes yesterday.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
A good dream
It's 9:00 in the evening, and I just woke up from a 3 hour nap, in which I had the most positive dream I've ever had about Buddhism and my practice. In spite of the intense post I sent to SGI Diversity this weekend.
In the dream, Stephanie Celano (I think) - by way of disclaimer, she left Buffalo over 15 years ago, ended up working for SGI-USA and marrying an L.A. fireman - but not really her idf you know what I mean, was my girlfriend, and she, or she and I, were taking in a foster child, or actually I think disabled adult, in Sharon and Mike's old house - not their real house - as they were moving into their new house (which they are actually planning to do).
And playing house with her, and helping her take care of a disabled person - both big parts of being a good Buddhist in my dream's world and my mindset in the dream - felt good. Like I was doing the right thing to do with my life.
At the end of the dream, it was time for me to wake up in the morning earlier than them, and I went downstairs to another bedroom or a room where we where temporarily storing bedding, and still tired I lied down and did gongyo to start the morning.
And I did gongyo.
For real. In my real bed, gongyo for morning with my hands together lying there or on my side. As far as I can remember doing a full gongyo.
It felt good, in a dream, to feel good about Buddhism and being a Buddhist, for once finally.
In the dream, Stephanie Celano (I think) - by way of disclaimer, she left Buffalo over 15 years ago, ended up working for SGI-USA and marrying an L.A. fireman - but not really her idf you know what I mean, was my girlfriend, and she, or she and I, were taking in a foster child, or actually I think disabled adult, in Sharon and Mike's old house - not their real house - as they were moving into their new house (which they are actually planning to do).
And playing house with her, and helping her take care of a disabled person - both big parts of being a good Buddhist in my dream's world and my mindset in the dream - felt good. Like I was doing the right thing to do with my life.
At the end of the dream, it was time for me to wake up in the morning earlier than them, and I went downstairs to another bedroom or a room where we where temporarily storing bedding, and still tired I lied down and did gongyo to start the morning.
And I did gongyo.
For real. In my real bed, gongyo for morning with my hands together lying there or on my side. As far as I can remember doing a full gongyo.
It felt good, in a dream, to feel good about Buddhism and being a Buddhist, for once finally.
Friday, March 21, 2008
A theory about the US invasion of Iraq
The American invasion and occupation of Iraq is actually not against Islam, or Islamo-fascism or Arab Hegemony or whatever you want to call it --
But against the European Union.
To make sure that the US controls the routing of Iraq's oil, so that it would not go the closer and therefore economically cheaper and more reasonable route directly into Europe; to establish a Soviet-style "satellite state" threatening the borders of the EU...
And after all, is the new Iraqi cellular phone system we are building on the worldwide, or the singularly American, system?
But against the European Union.
To make sure that the US controls the routing of Iraq's oil, so that it would not go the closer and therefore economically cheaper and more reasonable route directly into Europe; to establish a Soviet-style "satellite state" threatening the borders of the EU...
And after all, is the new Iraqi cellular phone system we are building on the worldwide, or the singularly American, system?
"Fuck" is all I can say
I was in "Mainstream..." last night. A marine, about to go back on another tour, was having pretty much a PTSD meltdown on mic. In his PalTalk profile he has a photo of himself holding up a prefectly adorable little Iraqi girl, probably not quite a year old -- huge dark eyes, unruly brown hair, her tiny fingers playing with his ear making him wince and smile at the same time.
She had had surgery at the American military hospital.
Four days after he was holding her in the photo, the baby and her young mother were gunned down like dogs on the street.
For taking her baby to the American hospital .
She had had surgery at the American military hospital.
Four days after he was holding her in the photo, the baby and her young mother were gunned down like dogs on the street.
For taking her baby to the American hospital .
Thursday, March 20, 2008
The trouble with karma
I have been having a philosophical issue with karma that has all but destroyed my practice and my belief in Nichiren's Buddhism as practiced in the SGI, for years, although I play along (most of the time).
I cannot avoid the conclusion that "karma" is bullshit.
Here's why –Buddhism – and reason – concludes that the Universe and all things in the Universe are eternal. Neverbegininning and Neverending. In his lectures on such things as the Lotus Sutra, President Ikeda has frequently mentioned the Law of the Conservation of Energy – that energy and its concurrent manifestation as matter can never be created or destroyed.
Buddhism is perhaps unique among religions in that it states that the Universe was never created, and will never be destroyed. Science says the same thing. Everything that is, and everything that ever was and everything that ever will be, whether we can see it now or whether it is currently in its dormant state of ku … always was and always will be.
Therefore, you have been here for eternity.
An infinite number of lifetimes. Not a thousand lifetimes. Not a millions lifetimes. Not a billion billion lifetimes.
But you have lived an INFINITE number of lifetimes.
You have therefore experienced and done EVERYTHING YOU POSSIBLY COULD.
In that infinite number of lifetimes, in that infinite number of cycles of the universe; in what is beyond our brain's capacity to imagine. You have had lifetimes of constant joys and births; you have had lifetimes in which we have personally found the cure for cancer. You have had lifetimes in which you have been Nichiren, and lifetimes in which you have been Devadatta. You have spent lifetimes being Gods; you have spent lifetimes being Hitlers destroying races and galaxies. You have spent lifetimes in which all your consciousness has been unbelievable agony, and you have experienced lifetimes of unimaginable joy.
We are talking about ETERNITY here, folks.
Not a billion times cycling through this, not walking through solar systems dropping a grain of sand in each one.
But ETERNITY.
Buddhism talks about FOREVER, never-beginning, never-ending.
Infinity.
And we will experience infinity all over again in the future. And infinity by definition contains an infinite number of infinities. In short – by the Buddhist definition of the universe – YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE EVERYTHING! AND YOU WILL DO EVERYTHING AGAIN.
THEREFORE, YOUR KARMA IS LITERALLY "MAXED OUT".
So… what we do in this lifetime, is infinitesimally MEANINGLESS.
AND ALL OF US HAVE DONE EVERYTHING, AND WILL DO EVERYTHING AGAIN IN THE FUTURE. THEREFORE, NOTHING WE DO IN THIS LIFETIME WILL HAVE ANY EFFECT ON OUR ETERNAL LIVES.
So why be nice? Why bother doing shakubuku? We have been and will be shakubukuing an infinite number of people in the future; heck, we already have in the past.
Why not just rape and steal and murder and take what we want? Your karma will even itself out through eternity.
For me, I am just hardwired to try to be nice and empathetic and magnanimous I guess, and I honestly feel I have missed out a lot of "normal", "human" experiences and emotions and successes because of it.
Why bother? I mean these questions literally.
And seriously. I am simply postulating from the "eternity", from the "lifetime after lifetime" that we bandy about at discussion meetings, that SGI-USA writes about in every issue of Living Buddhism.
When I chant, I can feel good and positive, and these thoughts evaporate for the moment – but they also evaporate when I am eating Ben & Jerry's.
This is a thought paradigm I cannot simply "put aside" and forget about, as much as I would like to do so.
I cannot avoid the conclusion that "karma" is bullshit.
Here's why –Buddhism – and reason – concludes that the Universe and all things in the Universe are eternal. Neverbegininning and Neverending. In his lectures on such things as the Lotus Sutra, President Ikeda has frequently mentioned the Law of the Conservation of Energy – that energy and its concurrent manifestation as matter can never be created or destroyed.
Buddhism is perhaps unique among religions in that it states that the Universe was never created, and will never be destroyed. Science says the same thing. Everything that is, and everything that ever was and everything that ever will be, whether we can see it now or whether it is currently in its dormant state of ku … always was and always will be.
Therefore, you have been here for eternity.
An infinite number of lifetimes. Not a thousand lifetimes. Not a millions lifetimes. Not a billion billion lifetimes.
But you have lived an INFINITE number of lifetimes.
You have therefore experienced and done EVERYTHING YOU POSSIBLY COULD.
In that infinite number of lifetimes, in that infinite number of cycles of the universe; in what is beyond our brain's capacity to imagine. You have had lifetimes of constant joys and births; you have had lifetimes in which we have personally found the cure for cancer. You have had lifetimes in which you have been Nichiren, and lifetimes in which you have been Devadatta. You have spent lifetimes being Gods; you have spent lifetimes being Hitlers destroying races and galaxies. You have spent lifetimes in which all your consciousness has been unbelievable agony, and you have experienced lifetimes of unimaginable joy.
We are talking about ETERNITY here, folks.
Not a billion times cycling through this, not walking through solar systems dropping a grain of sand in each one.
But ETERNITY.
Buddhism talks about FOREVER, never-beginning, never-ending.
Infinity.
And we will experience infinity all over again in the future. And infinity by definition contains an infinite number of infinities. In short – by the Buddhist definition of the universe – YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE EVERYTHING! AND YOU WILL DO EVERYTHING AGAIN.
THEREFORE, YOUR KARMA IS LITERALLY "MAXED OUT".
So… what we do in this lifetime, is infinitesimally MEANINGLESS.
AND ALL OF US HAVE DONE EVERYTHING, AND WILL DO EVERYTHING AGAIN IN THE FUTURE. THEREFORE, NOTHING WE DO IN THIS LIFETIME WILL HAVE ANY EFFECT ON OUR ETERNAL LIVES.
So why be nice? Why bother doing shakubuku? We have been and will be shakubukuing an infinite number of people in the future; heck, we already have in the past.
Why not just rape and steal and murder and take what we want? Your karma will even itself out through eternity.
For me, I am just hardwired to try to be nice and empathetic and magnanimous I guess, and I honestly feel I have missed out a lot of "normal", "human" experiences and emotions and successes because of it.
Why bother? I mean these questions literally.
And seriously. I am simply postulating from the "eternity", from the "lifetime after lifetime" that we bandy about at discussion meetings, that SGI-USA writes about in every issue of Living Buddhism.
When I chant, I can feel good and positive, and these thoughts evaporate for the moment – but they also evaporate when I am eating Ben & Jerry's.
This is a thought paradigm I cannot simply "put aside" and forget about, as much as I would like to do so.
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