Changing how I look

After a 2 hour+ bike ride yesterday afternoon, I looked at myself frontal in the mirror dressed in a black t-shirt and new slim-looking shorts -- and I looked odd, different.

Only after, driving in my van, did I realize why --

I did not look fat.

For the first time in memory, I did not look doughy. Maybe for the first time in my adult life.

I'm just not getting this, Life

Of course, I haven't been on here for a while.

Taking a 6-day weekend (and I still have over 6 weeks vacation and sick time through next June...). And of course, I feel unsatisfied, as I'm just trying to relax. I am terrible at relaxing. Always feel like I should be doing more in my life.

Wish I knew how to go and and get a woman drunk and just use her -- so tired of caring. I just wish I could be a thoughtless man like all the other men on the planet, and just get what I want. But it escapes me. I just feel like the alien

Life in the online world...

After several months absence from Yahoo IM, P has begun popping up again. After chatting this past week for the first time since Spring, it because obvious to me that it is G/L.

Why doesn't whoever it is just come clean? He or she obviously feels something for me, if he or she will keep communicating with me, after he or she created a storyline that made G drop off from IMing me.

I am torn between just never replying again, to L or P; and wanting the veil to drop.

But even if he or she does come clean -- and I now assume they are a guy, because all three have asked me pointedly if I like men, and acted like they wanted me to say I did when I told them I didn't -- here, online, there is no way to tell if what he or she says is the truth is the truth.

I have been trying to re-orient myself to the real.

Quote from French novelist and journalist George Bernanos

"I have thought for a long time now that if, some day, the increasing efficiency for the technique of destruction finally causes our species to disappear from the Earth, it will not be cruelty that will be responsible for our extinction and still less, of course, the indignation the cruelty awakens and the reprisals and vengeance that it brings upon itself...but the docility, the lack of responsibility of the modern man, his base subservient acceptance of every common decree. The horrors which we have seen, the still greater horrors we shall presently see, are not signs that rebels, insubordinate, untameable men are increasing in numbers throughout the world, but rather that there is a constant increase in the number of obedient, docile men."