"The Last Sancho" Chapter One

I knew she was sansho shima the moment she walked through the Kaikan door.

But she was the kind of sansho shima I could turn into a real zenshishiki, if I had the right attitude.

She was a Treasure Tower, all right. The kind of dame a High Priest would get himself arrested for. But thanks to my Buddha Wisdom I could see through to all the worry hiding behind her lipstick and powder.

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a life-condition like this?" I asked.

"Who wants to know?" She looked me up and down.

I swung my feet off the Gajokai desk, stood up, and tipped my fedora to her. "The names Bonno, Bonno Soku Bodai."

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Bodai." She arched an eyebrow. "So, are those your book and beads in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

Actually, they were my book and beads. I always keep in my pocket, along with a rolled up copy of the latest Living Buddhism.

"Come on in," I said, "The butsudan's open--"

"Hold it, mister. Just what kind of girl do you think I am?"

"Maybe the kind of girl who likes a little hoben, a little juryo, and maybe a lot of daimoku afterwards...?"

"To let you know, I do it twice a day, every day."

I had definitely met my kenzoku.

As I reached for the Gohonzon Room door, she grabbed my other hand. I turned around. Lines of worry ruined her porcelain-smooth forehead.

"Hold it, Bonno. I can tell you're a swell guy." Then she sighed the saddest sigh I had ever heard.

"You don't want to do gongyo with a gal like me..."


And what she was about to tell me would change both our lives. Forever.

....But it's not going to be today

"And I would love to miss this train,
And I would love to run away --
But it's not going to be today"

- Emily Joffee, "Today"

"What would I do today if I were brave?"

And that is the best way I know how to proceed. Since we are not going to outrun fear, or outsmart it, or successfully hide from it, we wake up each morning and ask ourselves the question: "What would I do today if I were brave?"

And then, to the very best of our ability, we go do just that.


- Thom Rutledge, "Embracing Fear"

Thoughts while reading "Embracing Fear"

Reading "Embracing Fear: and Finding the Courage to Live Your Life" but Thom Rutledge, at Maureen's recommendation.

It is amazing, in its way. Looking at a problem, something inside you keeping you back, and go "down the ladder", deeper and deeper into your underlying, and then the underlying that, fear.

At the moment, I am freaked out because last night someone on Yahooo I had not seen or heard from in a month sent me a new add request, saying that Yahoo had deleted her account. I added her -- but chose the option to combine her with an existing account on my list -- so I hit that, almost automatically. And then I clicked on the "View Profile" option on her name on my buddy list -- and got Yahoo's "this account does not exist" page. I PMed her, but haven't got a response yet. So not sure if my PM actually got to her new account. And Yahoo's Member Directory is acting up and useless, so I wasn't able to find her new nick there.

And this morning I got bounced, and as I was typing my account back in, I got something I have never seen before -- a dialogue box from yahoo saying that it has detected I already have an account, and gave me the options of clicking on that account name, or to choose to enter another one. I got back in with out any problem, but that still worries me. The only connection I have with G. is through Yahoo -- she has even told me her only email address is the one attached to her Yahoo nick. (At least as far as she tells me.) I have figured out where she works, from googling her telling me what kind of business it is, and the street it is on -- but she does not know that -- and I am not sure if she would get in trouble if I called her at work, say, if at some point I don't hear from her in a week or so.

So, this is my fear -- I am an emotional wreck this morning, after not hearing from her late last night or earlier this morning before she left (by now, an hour ago) to meet a friend for breakfast.

I know at least one of my base fears is being left alone...

And deeper than that, there is something more, I know.

The fear of being ignored? The fear of being emotionally ignored? (which is what happens to sexually abused children by their abusers). Maybe the dual opposing fears, as Rutledge calls it - the isometric fears - of being ignored and being observed, in the spotlight. I could see this duality in my family dynamic with me parents. Holding back so they can take care of Eileen, worried that some of my needs - at least emotionally and developmentally - were ignored by them as they triaged me to deal with Eileen ("Larry may have emotional and social deficiencies, but at least he can survive today if that is not attended to; Eileen, on the other hand, literally might not survive without our concentrating on her").


And I find even more of a piece of mind, just writing that. Will continue to read Rutledge's book, and do the work. Even as little as have, he is helping me.