Will I be a fool, or will I be a lion?

(Saturday) Feeling down today -- although I know I need rest I still don't want to rest.

For one thing, on a normal Saturday the past couple months I would go spend a couple hours or more at the Community Center through the 10:00 am - 8:00 pm Soka Spirit toso -- but this weekend our new Community Center is closed, per the lease, so the landlord can make money off the big gated parking lot for the Allentown Art Festival. I am still down to chant from 5:00 - 6:00 though.

And I am so fucking broke -- have about $40 I think, including credit card, to last through when I get my paycheck in he mail on Friday -- TOTAL.

And --

G. has not as much as sent me an offline since we talked briefly early Tuesday saying she was off work but would be stay in from the 100 degree heat there, and be online waiting for me -- but by the time I got to work, and slipped online she wasn't on. (and she didn't even drop me an offline that she had made plans and decided to go out.) And I haven't heard from her since.

I even dropped L. an offline today asking if G. had stopped in the shop to see her or if she had heard from her.

From all I know - they are one and the same...

And despite G.'s swearing of her love and attention toward me, in the end it is all just words, in a online universe that is just words. Hell, even at this point she hasn't even given me a phone number, or bothered spending $15 on a computer mic when I know she makes a special trip and spends almost as much a week on her "food". Even after we have started making plans for me to visit her and stay with her for a week in late August. And even though she has been talking about borrowing a cam from a friend and sending me "special" pics of her, she says she still has not been able to connect with her...

Is she real?
Is she playing "chicken" with me?

In this week's Artvoice "Free Will Astrology" - Bob Brezsny is a Cancerian himself, and I look at it more as cool advise he is giving, than any guidance - he references the 80's Matthew Broderick movie "War Games", and advises: "The game your playing is nowhere near as dangerous,...of course, but why not play to win?"

So, if this is a "game" G. has been playing on me the last 7 months, I will somehow come out winning. Even if it not winning against her, I will still bring it to Gohonzon, I will still win over me.

And if it is that G. and all this is real -- and if she has just let time fly by without realizing it (as she has expressed before after being offline to me for 4 or 5 days; she is after all a lot younger than me and therefore sees time and the future/lifetime differently than I do), then, if it is real -- I am the fucking luckiest man in the world!