just a couple things

So many things, big and little ---

Still have not heard from G., or L. -- now, for the sake of my sanity, I am having to assume it was a game. Or she is gone from my life.

Or it may be that when I come home from Father's Day, she will have left me an offline apologizing and everything is fine and will be fine and I will still be visiting her in two months.

~

When I was biking yesterday -- up the Riverwalk, near the beginning of the hour and a half ride -- I was getting chest pains: like angina, but maybe just muscular, or a slight bronchial infection or allergy. And I imagined keeling over and dying.

And I thought: "That's okay - I can die now."

Which is the first time I had that thought since my heart attack and surgery, instead of the exact opposite -- "I can't die yet, I'm not supposed to die yet; there is something I MUST do before I die - I still have a mission to accomplish, one that I don't even know yet!"

But today, I feel again it is not my time yet - there is still something for me to do.

Maybe this has to do with my accomplishment of sustaining he Coalition on my own for the past 11 months. Maybe this has t do with feeling it is best for me emotionally to give up on G. Maybe I'm just tired, and can actually relax a bit now that we have a new Executive Director.

~

Maybe G. will pop up again tomorrow morning, and all will be well with the world again. Maybe I should not be so emotionally dependent on an "online relationship". But then again, maybe it is all real. Probably my not knowing is the worst part of this at the moment.